he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
