peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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