$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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