you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
