dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
