im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
