I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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