Someone shit on the floor
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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