The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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