I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
