you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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