3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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