literally had 100 drinks last night.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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