Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
