i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just found puke in my bra..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
