Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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