I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
