Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
