I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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