Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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