I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
