As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize