Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
