if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
