I'm pants shitting drunk right now
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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