just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i would one night stand the shit outta him
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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