I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
