Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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