Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
