Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
