why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize