I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
