allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
