I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
