Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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