a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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