bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
