I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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