i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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