there was a trapeze. enough said
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
