My Higher Power is John Stamos
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
ttyl tear gas
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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