It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
