and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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