I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
