My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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