I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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