i jhust puked up my retainher.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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