I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
