i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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