she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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