A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
