I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
