you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
