life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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