just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize