Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i love accidental penises.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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