After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
