I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
