the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
