Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
