Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
