Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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